Home > Retirement > Broke in Retirement: Why It’s Important to Know Where Your Money Is.

Broke in Retirement: Why It’s Important to Know Where Your Money Is.

Losing moneyEvery time I go back to visit my family in the South, it seem that I learn something new. Once I learned from an uncle that you can collect insurance money if your cow is struck by lightning. Good or bad, I also learn more than I want about family members. Generally there are no secrets, and most stories make me chuckle, like the two cousins who got into a fist fight over their deceased mother’s couch at the funeral home. However, this past visit I found out something very disturbing about one of my favorite relatives. Instead of looking forward to her golden years, she found that her husband had taken all the money without her knowledge. Essentially, she was broke. No matter how long you’ve been married, it’s very important to know where your money is.

I am not elitist, but I can look at some of my relatives and realize their lifestyle is not quite like mine. It really has nothing to do with money, but attitudes. In my small rural town, most people get married young, have lots of kids, and work at a job they hate until they are too old to work anymore. They tend to be obsessed with appearance and looking good, even though many would rather cut off an arm than work out or go outdoors when there is a nice, air conditioned house to stay in. There is nothing wrong with that, but it wasn’t for me, and I left. Because few people in my home town ever leave , I am somewhat of an oddity. I’ve gotten used to it by now, but I realize my relatives will never quite understand me, and that’s OK.

I did have one cousin who didn’t quite fit the mold. She was my Dad’s first cousin. We’ll call her Scarlett. Scarlet and her husband (we’ll call him Rhett) never lived the small town stereotype. Rhett was president of the local bank, and they seemed very affluent when I was growing up. Affluent meant wearing a suit to work,  taking a two week vacation, and driving a Mercedes. They were one of the few couple I’d ever know who sometimes left the country for travel. Scarlett is one of the few relatives who has visited me in Colorado. Despite their adventures, they were the most kind people you could ever meet, and they related well to every type of personality. I thought the world of them.  Their kids were the same age as my sister and I, and we had some great times growing up. I can remember their having one of the first beta type VCRs in the 80’s. We’d watch Annie and Michael Jackson’s Thriller on tape over and over again.

Fast forward to a few years ago when Rhett became very sick with a cancer type illness. They really weren’t sure what he had, but it was treated with chemotherapy. After the treatment, he had dementia that rapidly progressed.

When he was mentally unable to take care of the family finances, the kids stepped up to help Scarlett with paying the bills. They realized very quickly that the money was gone, all of it. Basically Rhett and Scarlett had social security, a paid off house, and a ten year old Mercedes. How on earth could that happen?

As it turns out, they were able (through some barely legal hacking from Scarlett’s computer genius son-in-law) to trace their retirement accounts and savings. It seems that several years ago, Rhett blew huge sums of money in a few years time. Apparently, Rhett had many business trips during this  period. They tried to ask him about it, but either his illness caused him to forget or he used the illness as a reason not to tell. Anyway, they’ll never know for sure but the most likely culprits seem to be a ponzi type investment, gambling, or something even worse.

Scarlett never really worked outside the home other than for enjoyment. She was such a neat lady and loved people so much that she once took a job as a Wal Mart greeter for the social aspect of it! She thought Rhett was taking care of her. She also let him handle all the money and didn’t know what they had or where it was invested. Obviously, she had no clue it was all gone. Rhett had been floating them along with the illusion of wealth, when actually the people who were career employees at Wal Mart probably had more money.

If it had been me, I think I would have dumped Rhett out in the street, but Scarlett did not. She took care of him until he passed away a few weeks ago and never mentioned their situation to anyone outside of close family.

Scarlett is luckier than most. Her kids have done very well for themselves and ended up purchasing her house from her, with cash. They will let her live there as long as she wishes and the cash from the sale of the house will give her a cushion in addition to social security. I’m also sure they will take care of any need she might have that she can’t afford.  As is her way, she will never say anything other than kind words about Rhett, and she now has enough to live on and be happy. However, if her children weren’t so generous or if they weren’t in good financial shapes themselves, it could have been another story.

The  moral of this Southern tale, which could happen anywhere, is to be knowledgeable about your money and what is being done with it. Even if your spouse is not lying or scheming, you never know when some sort of accident or illness could end his or her ability to take care of things. Retirement should be a happy time without worrying about  paying the bills or depending on your kids to take care of you. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to check an account balance and learn some passwords. Make sure you and your spouse both know where your money is and how to use it.

Do you know where all of your money is? Have you known people who thought they were rich, but turned out to be broke?

Image: Freedigitalphotos.net/bplanet

About Kim Parr

Kim Parr is a private practice optometrist, freelance writer, and personal financial blogger. You can follow her journey to 20/20 financial vision at Eyes on the Dollar.

48 comments

  1. Sometimes a couch is worth fighting over. I know this isn’t the point of your post, but I have a mate that found $5,000 in a couch he bought at a deceased estate auction. He only found out when he spilled a drink on the cushion and went to get it dry cleaned (about 2 years after he bought it). When he took the cover off there was a bag of money all sealed up waiting for someone to find it.

    FYI – the couch cost him $50.

  2. I think it’s important for both people in a couple to know about your financial situation and how much money you have. There should be no mystery about how much you have saved for retirement, how much debt you have, etc. Sad story to hear about this couple but hopefully people will learn from it.

  3. Wow, like DC said this is another reason why it’s so important for each spouse to know the financial situation and how to handle the finances. We had a neighbor several years ago who was going through a divorce and she had quite a sum of money in the bank…or so she thought. Her ex liquidated all her money (which was hers prior to the marriage) and skipped town. She ended up with nothing and he ruined her credit to boot.

    • That’s horrible. I don’t know if that’s worse or if caring for your husband who can’t remember spending all your money would be. Either way, it sucks.

  4. It is a must, especially since 2009, to keep track of even the most “stable” funds. Even promised stability mutuals dipped sharply, which people may not have realized if they hadn’t been vigilant.

  5. I’d like to think that stories like your Aunt’s are tales of a bygone era and our generation is much more empowered and that could never happen to us… Really, I would. But then I hear about a friend of a friend who is dealing with this at 30, and is staying with the guy and expecting that having a baby will change him! Sigh… Makes me sad.

  6. Wow, what an interesting (and kind of sad) story. My wife and I both handle our money. I’m the nerd, so I tend to spend a bit more time looking and managing it, but if I were to pass away today my wife would know where everything is and how to get to it. I think it’s very important to do the family finances together.

  7. I see this more than I’d like, not necessarily the husband hiding that he’s spent all their money, but that one of the spouses (most likely the woman) is absolutely clueless to the family’s finances. She doesn’t know how much money is saved, how much debt they have or where their money even is. In most instances the husband isn’t trying to control their wife – it’s just the way they assumed it should be. Men take care of the finances. Fine. But their wives need to be involved. It’s somewhat amusing when I meet with them and I’ll start asking the wife questions and all these repressed dreams and goals (and some residual anger towards the husband) comes out. But I’m glad they are actually communicating and now setting goals together, rather than it being one-sided.

    • I don’t understand why generally women don’t take a more active role but also feel resentful that they don’t. This is not 1920.

  8. This story is so sad, but I’m happy to hear that Scarlett has such wonderful generous children. I would never allow my husband to keep me in the dark about our finances. Finances should be an open book between husband and wife for reasons like the story you just shared…

    • I think it’s up to both parties to do their part and make sure no one is slipping. If our money started disappearing, you can bet I’d be finding out why.

  9. Why is it so common that women have this child-like need to be ‘taken care of’ by someone else? Sad story.

  10. Sad story, but glad that her children were willing and able to help out. Unfortunately, this kind of story is all too common. This happened to a relative of my co-worker recently. The husband passed away and they appeared to well-off couple, but in the end there was no money and the wife didn’t have any idea regarding their finances.

  11. Oh, lord. This is why we should always, ALWAYS pay attention to our finances. Let this be a lesson to women (and men) everywhere!

  12. Not only do I know where my money is, but so does my wife. One of my good friends left his wife in difficulties because of a gambling problem. Everyone knew he gambled , but not to this extent! Their retirement should have been modestly luxurious is quite different after his death. His widow has a mortgage on their home when previously was paid off. The savings is nearly depleted and she is dependent on Social Security and monetary gifts from her mother.

    • That would be so tough to get to that point and have the rug yanked out from under you. It’s too late to do much about it either.

  13. It’s hard to believe how little some couples talk about the things that really are so important- like finances. Secret-keeping is never a good idea, for so many reasons! I’m glad things worked out so well for your cousin, and it seems the kids have grown up to be very wise with their money- they literally saved their mom by buying the house, but now have an extra real estate investment! Hope all continues to go well for their whole family. Thanks for the post!

    • They are the kind of people who make lemonade out of lemons, but it is sad they had to deal with that. When you think your Dad is a great man and find out he maybe wasn’t, it’s tough.

  14. Your town sounds a lot like mine only without the southern charm. 🙂 That’s really sad that happened to her, but I think that attitude that the man will take care of it and you’ll live happily ever after is outdated or perhaps still cultural in some parts of the world. Yeah I want total equality when it comes to my finances with my future significant other. You can never bee 100% prepared for everything that “might” happen, but it sure as hell takes some of the risk out.

    • Absolutely. I think it is generational to a certain degree but still happens. I have a cousin who is only a few years older than me whose husband left her for another woman. She was crushed, but worse than that had no idea how much the mortgage payment was or even who to send it to!

  15. Most of the Joneses are broke but no one will realize. Poor Scarlett. In a way that is nice she never had to worry about money but I don’t think it is fair to hide your financial moves from your other half. We keep our finances separate but if we ever combine, I want a say in everything!

    • I bet she wishes she had worried a bit more in the past. I know she will always feel bad taking from her children, even if they can afford it.

  16. This totally reminds me of Greg! Nobody in his town ever leaves either! It’s like a cult =/

  17. Ugg, just ugg. Sounds like my hometown (well except for everyone works outside and likes being outside-the married after HS and nobody leaves is the same). I one of a very few who “got away”. If you don’t leave by the time you’re college again you’ll be “stuck” forever. Not to knock the people who stayed, but that wasn’t what I wanted. Sad story.

  18. Wow, what a powerful story. Thanks for sharing. There’s definitely a lesson in there about the value of family. It sounds like her kids have really handled this whole thing about as well as they possibly could. For our situation, all of our money is joint and I do almost all of the managing. But we check in regularly and look things over, so it would be pretty tough for me to hide anything. Just knowing where all the money is is so important, even if there’s nothing hidden.

  19. Wow! learning that your spouse took all of your combined money and spent it without your knowledge would be devastating. It would take a long time to get over that betrayal. It is very wise for both husband and wife to always know your current financial health, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about asking about it.

    • I blame part of it on that generation of the man taking care of all the money. Some men or women for that matter can’t. I would never follow anyone blindly, even if I had been married for 40 years.

  20. It is so sad when things like this happen. I think a lot of times the people that look the most affluent are often times struggling with finances. This is not the only horror story I have heard about women or men getting stuck not knowing what is going on financially. It’s a teamwork kind of deal!

  21. See, I run our money and I truly hope my husband would be able to realize if I was losing my mind in the future and get me taken off the accounts, or this could happen to him. Not the gambling or worse part (that’s not like me)…but whatever I am addicted to at that point (probably travel or something like that). It’s scary to think that you could let down the ones you love.

    Now Rhett sounds like he wasn’t fully senile when he decided to gamble and worse it all away…so that makes him a dick. I’m sorry this happened to your favorite relative. 🙁

    • No Rhett was of sound mind and body when he lost all them money. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he though he was making a good investment that went bad. Maybe he thought he could get it back, then got sick. Regardless, not telling his wife they were broke was a horrible thing to do. I would not have been so nice if it had happened to me, but it couldn’t happen to me because I watch everything like a hawk now.

  22. Wow, Kim. What a lesson here. Rick and I are lucky in that we communicate and discuss money, finally, and we both know where we stand. Marriage needs to have a team mentality, and needs to have honesty and trustworthiness if it’s going to work. But I don’t think I would ever just let Rick handle things without having proof of our financial situation and expenditures. My mom and stepdad, on the other hand, have completely separate finances so that full disclosure is not necessary and no one can get left in the dust financially. Not my way of life, but it seems to work for them.

    • This story showed me that this can happen to anyone and why it’s so important to share financial information. I don’t believe my cousin’s husband would have lost all that money if he’d known someone was watching. Temptation and stupidity can certainly strike at any time and we need to have each other’s backs so bad things don’t happen.

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